Thoughts on Marriage After Attending My Parent's 50th Anniversary Party

So, driving to my parent's 50th wedding anniversary party, and not quite certain if I would be called upon to give a speech, I began to think about what I would say. Sentimental mush isn't my style, and to be honest, with all the rough times my parents have had in their union - sentimental just didn't seem appropriate. But, driving through Indiana corn fields I began to wonder, living in a society where half of all marriages end in divorce, what was it that made my parents different? How were they able to beat the odds and after five decades arrive at an enviable contented comfortableness? What was the secret? So on a quiet meandering drive  to a golden decorated banquet hall in a small Midwestern town where two people and 75 of their friends and relatives gathered to celebrate a promise two teenagers made to each other five decades ago - I began to gather and sort through my many memories and observations to try and discern the seemingly elusive recipe for a lasting relationship. This is what I came up with:

Failure is NOT an option - if you go into marriage figuring that if things don't work out, there is always the option of divorce, that means you are entering into the marriage with an exit strategy already in place, and if you are doing that - you are not fully committed. If failure is not an option, the only alternative is success.

While it is possible to have a bad relationship with no good times, it is not possible to have a good relationship without a few bad times.

When you have an arguement and your feelings get hurt - you work it out and move ahead. Always remember that when you have a serious cut on your hand and it heals, the scar tissue that forms after the injury is tougher than the skin before the injury. Fighting in a marriage and resolving the conflict, even if there were hurt feelings can make a marriage stronger.

Marriage isn't always pretty, with constant warm fuzzy feelings of happiness - if it were, that would be like saying babies are only always cute, cooing bundles of joy - and they aren't. Sometimes they cry and are demanding and there are always the dirty diapers, the bundle of joy thing is only a part of the equation, but you would never not have a child because he or she isn't always the perfect Gerber baby. Marriage is the same, it is the whole enchilada - not just the tortilla or the cheese, it takes all the parts to make a whole.

Why do we all strive for perfection? When you think back to all the weddings and special occaisions you've attended - while the perfect event that goes off without a hitch may be beautiful, it will probably not make a lasting impression. It is the wedding that has it's quirks; the embarrassing toast by the drunken best man, Aunt Millie taking a dive on the dance floor during the hokey pokey, someone knocking the cake over - those mishaps, while not funny at the time - it is those quirky, unplanned, sometimes unpleasant events that make something memorable for years to come. The same goes for anything else in life, the bumps and dings are the things you will look back and laugh at, or reminisce about in years to come.

Sometimes things don't alays turn out exactly the way you planned - but, like on a road trip, sometimes it's the detours and wrong turns that make the trip more interesting.

As it turns out, I was not called upon to give a speech. Later that evening I ripped up the sappy, gold glittery anniversary card I had gotten my parents, and instead gave them a thank you card for teaching me what a realistic and enduring love is all about.

Feeling Duped

       Almost a year and a half into this process, not to mention 20K in debt - and all I can say if you are thinking about college . . . DON'T DO IT! When all is said and done - the jobs I will be scrambling to get, if I am lucky - are the very same jobs I was scrambling to get BEFORE I went back to school. Jeez. The best bit of advice I ever got, was two years ago from  disillusioned, broke, unemployed recent college grad - he told me to learn a skill rather than obtaining knowledge: be fluent in another language, know how to fix cars, bake cakes, cut hair - doesn't matter what it is - just become proficient in a SKILL and you can always make a living. College degrees are useless - toilet paper would be more useful. I now totally agree.

UPDATE 10/9/11 - OK so perhaps this hormone induced rant was a bit melodramatic - since I wrote this, I took a few deep breaths and did some reflection . . . if you want to pursue a professional career: attorney, physician, CPA - OR - if you have a free ride and want to kill some time - OR - if you, for your own edification want to study medieval art - OR - if you are 18 and needing a smooth transition into the rigors of adulthood, then maybe college is for you.  MAYBE.  (taking another deep breath here) But, I do believe that for many, perhaps most folks who are looking for a livelihood, college is no longer the answer. It seems that universities, banks and governments are all in collusion in the exorbitant rises in tuition and the main focus seems to be making sure that the majority of students graduate not with a quality education, but massive student debt.
         I still do believe, even at this stage, so close to having that college diploma in my hand - the best way to provide for yourself is to capitalize on a skill  that you possess. After two years in college and 20K in debt - I think the last 24 months of my life would have been better spent fine tuning and marketing my fantastically delicious cheesecakes (Kahlua, espresso, dark chocolate cheesecake anyone?). Perhaps the greatest lesson I have learned from my college experience is that I never really needed a piece of paper and crippling debt to show that I am smart - I bought into the line that I have been force fed  'you need a college degree'. Yes, I need a degree if I plan on begging someone else for a job - if I plan on turning over my fate to someone else while they decide if and when they want to hire me - if I plan on giving up my power to control how much I earn and let a corporation dictate to me how much they think I am worth. So in the end, perhaps the best lesson taken from college is . . . learn from your mistakes.